My Little Peanut
This was a letter written in July 2014, after we experienced our first miscarriage. I felt it was something I needed to share.
Dedicated to our Little Peanut in Heaven,
We have been waiting for twelve years to conceive and have the desire to bring you home. When I first heard we were pregnant with you my heart fluttered and stopped a beat with excitement.
How I longed to hear the words, "You are pregnant!" When I got the phone call from the Utah Fertility Clinic's nurse Kallie, my heart stopped when she said, "Congrats!" Tears and utter crying came into play. I was in unbelief shock. She said she needed to repeat a blood test on Friday to check my hCG levels and I was excited to oblige.
I instantly called your Dad, but he didn't answer. I texted him and then he called me back. He was so excited to hear the news. Then of course I called my mom and dad to let them know. They cried with tears. We did tell a few other friends that are dear to us. You were so very loved!
On that Friday I had my sister come down to help give me the shots to keep you growing inside of me because your Dad took his Dad to a father’s day camp out. I picked my sister up from the train, and I got the second phone call confirming that I was still pregnant. The HCG levels were continuing to rise at a great rate.
NUMBERS KEPT GOING UP
I cried with tears and joy. I got instructed to call Dr. Draper’s office to ask them about the blood thinners, and if I needed to increase my dose. We scheduled the first ultrasound for July 2nd with Dr. Gurcheof. Both my sister and I were squealing with joy. We even celebrated at Sizzler and she reminded me that I couldn’t have medium-rare steak anymore, so I opted for medium-well. We went and bought a pregnancy book, that would give me insight from week to week, and how you are developing that week. That week you were as small as a pea. The moment I knew and felt you growing inside of me was the happiest I felt in some time. I even remember the day you were implanted through IVF.
It was a Saturday morning I woke up with nausea, and I started to dry heave. I tried to go lay back down, but then I couldn’t. I felt this twinge on my side and sharp pain in the stomach. After that, I felt better, but I still felt nauseated. I was able to go back to sleep for a little while. That was the Saturday before the blood test on Wednesday. When the nurse took my blood she said that was a good sign and guess what…it was.
During each week, we read about the pregnancy and how you were progressing. Then one Wednesday, I had to go to the U of U and take some tests for my blood. I did a few errands, probably too many. That day I came home I bleed, and I was worried so I called the Utah Fertility Clinic. We did a blood test and the results came back that my levels were still growing. That is the day unknown to us that we lost you. You were 5 ½ weeks into the pregnancy and we lost you.
FIRST BLEED, HOPED FOR THE BEST
We went to a follow-up appointment with Dr. Branch at the U of U to talk about my blood clotting disorder. They wanted to run some more tests to make sure that I have a blood clotting disorder. Then they wanted to do an ultrasound. We did, they came back in and said we need to go see Dr. Gurcheoff on Wednesday and discuss the ultrasound. They couldn’t locate you or the sac.
Wednesday, July 2nd at 8:45 am we met with Dr. Gurcheoff. Your dad was with me, and we were led to the room where I unclothed my bottoms and covered them with the paper. Dr. Gurcheoff came and examined the vaginal ultrasound to discover what Dr. Draper’s office found. You weren’t there anymore. We discussed possibly having to do a D & C, but she wanted to take the quantitive blood test to check HCG numbers first to make sure of the levels. She said she would call us that afternoon with the results and that we can talk about the next step with the other frozen embryos.
It was so hard leaving that office, broken with a heart, knowing that I had to go to work that day. Luckily I only had to stay till 2 pm, and I was able to come to be with your Dad. I felt lost and empty inside. Knowing you were no longer inside of me, made me feel so empty.
At 4 pm, Dr. Gurcheoff called and told us that I had a natural miscarriage and that my hCG level was at negative 5. That meant a huge blessing that we didn’t have to go through a D & C, which would mean we wouldn’t have to wait three months for my body to heal. She told me to expect that my period would start within a week or two. She found out from Dr. Draper’s office that they believe I no longer have APS, a blood clotting disorder, but that I should stay on a low dose of blood thinners while I’m taking the hormone shots for the next round. She also wanted me to follow up with Dr. Draper to discuss the next steps and go over anything I needed to on my sugar levels. She told me to call in when my period started to check my baseline. I needed to stop all estrogen and progesterone shots. She felt just as bad and was hoping for a successful pregnancy.
NEEDED SOME COMFORT
After we got off the phone, I told your Dad we needed a blessing. We went over to Corey Bowden’s home to ask for this blessing. As we approached him, tears welled up inside and he knew something was wrong. He asked if we wanted an oil blessing. The only other person I could think of in joining was to ask Chris Kimball. Corey called him and told him we were heading over to the church house. We all got in our truck, and headed over to the church house, and went into the Bishop’s office.
When Chris saw me, he knew something was wrong. As we closed the door we explained what happened. I asked Corey to give me my blessing first. As he laid his hands on my head, I felt the spirit so overwhelming inside. As he proceeded to speak, he said we were chosen to go through this experience at this time.
Chosen? I thought why would our heavenly father choose us to go through something so painful? Have we not done what he has asked us to do? Have we not been faithful? Then the blessing continued that this little embryo needed to come down for a short time and that we will be able to raise it in the next life.
You, little peanut are tied to us forever. And that we are to cherish the moments of joy of this pregnancy, and the bond that I had with you will be cherished in my heart until we meet again. He also stated that my heavenly father loves me dearly and wants me to search the scriptures and through prayer to find the answers I seek. Peace came over me that night. Knowing that you are still tied to us forever and that I can raise you in the next life, made me know that you are one special spirit that couldn’t come down to this earth for very long. How special you must be, and in my heart, I know that it’s true.
Your dad asked Chris to give him his blessing. In that blessing, it confirmed that your dad will be a father, that he already is a father. You are tied to us forever. We both will find inner peace and remember you always. In his blessing your father was told how special and righteous he is, and let me tell you, your dad is an amazing man with a giant, warm spirit full of love. The peace we felt in that room, we will never forget. I know they are both mourning with us, for our loss. But the spiritual gain we have has brought your father and me so much closer.
FIRST MISCARRIAGE FEELING LOST
Do we miss you? Yes! Has it been difficult since losing you and knowing we lost you? Yes! That was the night we quit all the medicines, to let my body get back to being normal. On Saturday I started to process things out of me that was nothing like a period, but on Wednesday, July 9th was the first day of my period. Another reminder, I truly have lost you in the physical sense. Spiritually you will always be with me till we meet in the next life.
This miscarriage has not been easy for me to take. I have had my good and bad days. I struggle to know how to feel. Sometimes I feel angry and ask why would Heavenly Father want me to go through something so joyful and painful at the same time? God has an individual plan for everyone. In this life, we are here to learn from the trials that sometimes we have chosen for ourselves to take, or sometimes God has chosen them for us. We may never truly know all the answers to why here on this earth, but we can seek those answers through the proper channels.
Today was my first baseline (July 11, 2014). Everything looked good, no follicles. They took my blood test, everything looked good but my estrogen was high. So I go back on Tuesday, July 22nd for another ultrasound and blood test. This is to check for our next step, which is Frozen Embryo Transfer.
YOU WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN
How soon is too soon to try? Is this God’s way of saying we need to immediately try again where my period started so fast? Have I grieved enough for you? I guess these are questions that we need to take to prayer and get guidance on our next step.
Little Peanut, I want you to know I loved you from the moment we conceived you. I loved you the moment I knew I was pregnant and felt your strong spirit. I will always cherish you in my heart. Until we meet again, you will always be in my dreams, close to my heart. You were my firstborn. You were my first pregnancy. Even though it was only five and a half weeks. They will be engrained into my heart and mind forever.
Your Forever Mom
To those who have experienced miscarriages, my heart understands the pain that you have felt. Something that I will never forget! As I am now 19 weeks pregnant through natural conception, I am trying to cherish each day, each moment I am pregnant. There is hope to continue, and to keep going forward in your journey.
Use this printable to write a letter to your own angel that you have lost. Let this help you grieve, to remember the loss, and to help you find the purpose to keep trying.
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Thank you for the download to help us who have gone through miscarriages to write our own to our little angel. What you went through is heartbreaking. Thank you for being so open.