My Beloved Womb
I wrote this post back in April 2016 while reflecting on the four miscarriages we had under two years all through IVF.
As I reflect on the past two years, it’s been a hard road for my husband, and me. We have suffered four miscarriages, one from IVF and three from FET transfers. This week we would be welcoming twins into our home if we didn’t miscarry at the end of June. All our miscarriages seem to happen around the holidays, which makes it hard to even view holidays the same with our empty arms.
We were optimistic about this past pregnancy. We did everything extra our doctor recommended for the FET transfer. We did a few treatments that would hopefully ensure a full-term pregnancy. We knew going in it wasn’t a guarantee that it would work. We had prayed about all the options, we scrambled to earn or save the money. It even came down to the night before we sold our Jeep so we could pay for the FET. We thought, it’s an answer to our prayers, and it’s going to work!
BEING OPTIMISTIC THIS WILL WORK
We went in the next day, paid for our FET. Did the ultrasound to make sure everything was ready for transfer day. Began the dreaded shots in my hips. My poor husband had to administer them to me. If you have never seen how long those needles are, you are one lucky soul to not have to endure that twice a week before transfer day. Two weeks before the transfer we had to finally do one shot each morning of progesterone. Those needles are long and thick! My hips started to have welts and bruises each time he gave me a shot. Right before the next transfer, I did a few more blood tests, and ultrasounds to ensure things were on track to go.
Finally, transfer day was here. We went in and waited for them to tell me to take my “loopy” pill we like to call it. It’s so when they place the egg into me, I don’t have to feel a thing down there. I become quite comical when I take it.
After a half-hour, they call you back, and you go into the room where I take my bottoms off and lay on the bed covered up with a blanket. I took my lucky “womb” socks for luck. Dan placed them carefully on my feet. They say if you wear socks for the first trimester it helps keep the heat in for the womb, and a better chance for the embryos to attach. You want the embryo to grab onto the uterus wall. Our doctor came in and shared with us the eggs thawed beautifully, and they are ready to plant both embryos in.
BROUGHT MY COMFORT SOCKS
We can watch on the screen as she places our embryos in, the embryologist takes the empty sac and makes sure there is nothing left. Once she gets the okay, then she places my legs back down onto the bed, and I am instructed to lay there for 20 minutes. We normally stayed 25 minutes. I liked to make sure I give the best chance for those embryos to stick.
Then we get the instructions for my princess days. Princess days are three days where you do absolutely nothing! You rest and make sure you give the best chances for those embryos to float to where they need to be. I have to admit I got a little stir crazy towards the end because all you can think is… I hope this works!
The day I went in to get my blood test is always the most nerve-racking for me. To wait to hear if you are pregnant may feel like a million light-years away before they get back to you. Dan could tell by my quiet demeanor that I was done for the day until I got those results. When we got the results in June, it was the highest beta numbers we had ever achieved in all the pregnancies. We were elated. In a few days, I would repeat those tests, but I had to do an infusion therapy in between the blood draws. The second test went up again. I felt good for the first few weeks. I then started to notice some spotting. Like most IVF's or FET's, you experience some spotting.
I called my doctor, and they checked my levels. They were still going up, but not as fast as they were at first. We kept praying and hoping that it’s going to work. Then like all my other miscarriages happened, at midnight I experienced a gush of blood when I went to the bathroom. I started to cry. Not a cute cry a very ugly, angry kind of cry! Right then, I had this feeling that I had lost both my babies. It’s the farthest we have got in all our pregnancies and the day we started the new week I thought, “I’m having another miscarriage? How could God put me through this again, and again and again.” It was on a Saturday night. It was that next Monday we were going in to hear the baby's heartbeats. I emailed my doctor to see what she wanted us to do, and she said come in let’s check your numbers, and do an ultrasound.
ANOTHER MISCARRIAGE. HEARTBREAKS.
As she did the ultrasound, she recognized it’s our fourth miscarriage. She was hoping that maybe one miscarried, but we might be still pregnant with the other. We were all hopeful, but blood draws and ultrasounds do not lie. All my miscarriages were hard, but this one devastated me the most. It broke me. It broke my spirit and my being. I thought how could God put me through this again. When we saw our doctor it was the first week of July, right before July 4th. I was going in later that week to do another IV infusion to help with the pregnancy. I had to call the IV Infusions place, and let them know I won’t be coming in. And as they tried to console me, I had to hang up the phone.
That night I got a priesthood blessing. In the priesthood blessing, it said, I was chosen to go through this. Chosen? Why would God choose me to go through something so painful? It made me feel like less than a woman that I couldn’t progress in four pregnancies. Why were my angels being taken away from me? Why couldn’t I raise them here on this earth? Then it dawned on me. Maybe there is a purpose to all of this. Everything happens for a reason. We are chosen to go through things, we are going through this to maybe help others who are going through the same things we are. I needed to find God’s will in all of this.
Motherhood is such a sacred calling. To bring down his children, and raise them here on earth. It’s a blessing to be a mother. I am a mother. I had children in my womb, who maybe only needed to come down for a short time. I may not know why that is, but someday I hope to have those answers.
DO WE STOP OR KEEP GOING
Does that mean I give up on having children? No. We still want to expand our family. Deep down I feel and know that will happen. Do I need to exercise more faith? YES! I need to not let fear get the best of me. When things like this happen, we let doubt and fear come into play. We tend to forget that it’s in God’s timing when some of us have children. Maybe we are being prepared for something greater than we know.
Feel free to download and share 6 Tips for Coping With a Miscarriage. We know how hard it is to deal with a miscarriage, especially when they are back to back.
I started this blog to share our personal experience and others who have experience from all aspects of infertility. Whether it’s about infertility, adoption, stillbirths, or miscarriages we all have some way to relate with another. Why not even celebrate those who have successes or even the bouts of motherhood. We need each other to help us all get through this life. We all go through different seasons of life.
Each season of life is beautiful, and we need to BE-LOVED by each other. I want this to be a place for all women to come together, and to find common ground whether you are a mother or not we all have the wisdom to share with one another.
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Your story is raw, and heartbreaking. The faith you took to continue on your journey is inspiring to those who suffer with unexplained miscarriages. Thank you for sharing your heart.